a letter to my summer

Dear summer love,

I know it looks so cheesy but let me say something. I thank you for all the things we’ve done and undone. I can’t hide how love has brought me up and down every single day. Those days I got mad and cried over you, those days I fell deeper and deeper for you. I was no more than a girl who had fallen desperately in love. And yes, I am, still. Silly, eh? It may be too old to let the love get me down stupidly, don’t you think so? I know you do. I spent those days thinking how to get into your unreachable mind, how to make it memorable enough to be saved sweetly and irreplaceably in the box, I was all wrong. I know all we gotta do is only finding how to stay in line, expect nothing and let it all flow. Don’t mind it, as usual. Someday I’ll turn back to this page and read this, bet me, I’ll laugh loudly, over me. I won’t be able to wonder how cheesy and labile I’ve been. And I’ll curse you later. Haha, you don’t need to give any comment about this, I don’t even want to hear it from you, just warn me when forever is going to end. Yea, I love you anyway.

Sincerely, me.

well,

“I revealed too much too soon. I was emotionally slutty.”

– Carrie Bradshaw

Well, you might not know about this

RT @BestFilmQuotes: "If you make a girl laugh, she likes you, but if you make her cry, she loves you." -Kicking the Dog

Congrats, dude. She loves you.

Camouflage

I might have been wrong.

I tried to write the story without knowing every single word had actually been written long before I decided to start writing. This is when the word ‘much’ is lessened, and ‘long’ is shortened. I can’t keep going on. I had dreamt about everything I’d do from the very beginning. Sadly, none has happened. Call it hopeless. What I’m doing now is, trying how to go thru a day by avoiding the unexpected anger and disappointment. Problems. I keep telling myself that I’m not scared, I’m not weak. But is it normal if all of these have driven me upset? I’m sure I’ve got a wrong scene, and I can’t get out. I need to breathe, to laugh loudly, to clear everything. So what? Oh please, it’s not just a wink, it’s been pages, if  I may say. You know we don’t have to cry to show the people how fragile we have been. I’m totally stuck, help.

tell me what I should do, I don’t wanna let it go. I can’t let it go.

Do not mind it, it’s just another random thought.

I hate how I’ve lost my ability to write such a long post these days. And I blame it on twitter with its 140 characters anyway. Haha, I’ve become super talky on twitter, thought how to tell what I want to write as shortly as possible there, and planned to share the rest on blogspot but here I come, run out of words.

Have you ever felt like you’ve been fighting hardly for something, working something out all alone while actually you don’t have to do that way, and after all you’ve done, you’re left realising that you’re not failed. I mean here, you’re not just failed, but everything you’ve done has just become useless. Have you ever felt that?

It’s like being a racer on a rally race, and you’re having your co driver next to you but he’s not even helping you at all. Everything turns to be so dysfunctional. You’re there, together, but you’re not working together to get the way out, trying not to mind everything, while the only thing you both need is a way out.

Learn something. You don’t have to complicate it if you don’t want to, but you can’t always simplify everything. Do not say ‘just forget it and let it go.’ It doesn’t even make any sense, man, you’ve to solve it first before you let it go, as long as it’s still possibly solved. It’s about choosing a choice, if you let it go, trust me, someday you’ll just make the same mistake and you’ll end up wondering how you could go to the same hell twice. That’s why I say, you always have to learn something, pick something, you may not get what you want but at least, you get something to learn.

Don’t let your ego rule everything. Don’t let your ego ruin everything.

Thank you for reading.

Over and over again

I’m so tired of the way the world works.

They conspire, trying to keep us apart.

Things I miss the most

Time changes almost everything. I’ve got a lot, and also missed a lot. But best friends, they stay forever.

1. Midnight birthday surprises

I’ve always loved making birthday surprises. Going to the cake storage, making the greeting cards, buying the gifts, singing the happy birthday song, waking the bday girl or boy up in the middle of the night, or knocking at their doors and shouting “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!”, and so on. Lots of people in every city in this world do that, so where’s the special? Seeing the people we love smile widely, letting them know that we never forget their birthdays. Seeing them happy. That’s the point.

2. Sleepover

Isn’t it totally a loveable thing, how we spend a night by staying awake with our best friends around, with the jokes, the snacks, the gossips, the camera, and especially the pajamas?

3. Java Rockin Land ‘09

I still remember how exciting it was to see those bands rocking the stage with their own styles, being a part of the crowd, screaming out loud with the other people, jumping with the beats, singing along and seeing my favourite musicians truly with my two eyes. I was a rocker, once, that night.

4. Bali, 2006

Unforgettable moment ever. Still wondering how to get back to those days actually.

5. Cheerleading

Jumping, yelling, and dancing. I miss this kind of team.

6. Rocking the night out

Just like what the other teenagers do, breaking the nights out with friends. Besides the quality time, the thing I’ve always missed is the streetlight.

I love you guys, you all know that.

The case I'll hardly forget

"I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be cavalier, I'll be yours my dear. And I'll belong to you."
(Dashboard Confessional)

Is it just me or time is really flying, not just running?
I'm enjoying every little time of these moments. Love fills, love writes every single word on this page.
I'm trying not to mind those fights, those debates, those bad feelings my heart has got.
Since, I know, someday I won't refuse to pay anything just to go back to these times; letting him holding my hands while we sit quietly in the car, shouting at him every time he pokes me, pinches me, and bites me rudely (well actually the last one is me), singing like two on-fire-rockers and laughing at each other when the radio turns into sappy love songs, staying awake at nights and having those silly night calls (talking like two tweeties and giving up at dawns), whispering stupid jokes while we're catching the movies, sending and receiving those sweet voice notes on bbm, and so on, even having those fights and debates.

you know what, dear werewolf, I'm gonna miss you a lot. and I love you anyway.
HIGH FIVE.

I should learn to be more thankful.

Before you read this, I wanna say something, I'm not complaining. I just need to share them.

• I had a bad week.
• Well, family problem is still pushing me down. But I do believe our love will strengthen us.
• Fucking unplanned holiday -__- I worked hard for this I know, I wanted this.
• School Administration Office really pisses me off.
• My finance's condition. Totally unstable and gets worse each day. Who can live without money anyway?
• Jakarta's weather. Super hot today and heavy rain for tomorrow.
• I'm tanned enough, PLEASE.
• I thought my sleep schedule had come back. Actually it's a big no. My whole body system has really been fucked up, I think.
• I miss Immanuel. haha. And I hate knowing that I'm not gonna meet him (again) this week. But it's okay on me.
• I've been having a continually headache. I don't know why, it's back.
• I get lack of ideas to write. Help.

I stop here. Now I know I'm complaining. Sorry. I should learn to be more thankful.

I'm not a girl, not yet a woman. Labile.

No offense. I don’t have any guts to talk as a woman. Women in my eyes are so….mature. They hold everything in their hands, even the whole world. They know what the good is, and what the bad is. They cry in the right time, and lay their heads back down to hold the tears when they know they don't have to cry.
I'm still the same girl that people have known since long time ago. I may be a few years older than I was but I'm not so sure that I've grown up that much. If I may say a thing, it may be the rightest age to be so labile. Laugh, cry, and get mad. I don't give any fuckin care to what people say, and I'll be so disappointed when I get nowhere to run. While in fact, all I have to do is just staying. Running just makes me get lost.
So,
I try to stay.
I try to forgive a lot.
I try to be much more understanding about people.
I try.
Lately, silence has always been my choice. Trying to shut my big mouth up instead of complaining. Trying not to mind unimportant things, trying to get the point on a better way. I do not realise this is just taking me deeper to the dramas. Truths look so ugly while lies become so much prettier. The good thing is, I've become more sensitive to know how people use their masks properly. Doesn't mean I'm none of them, even being one of them has made me fully understand why we, people, need the masks. Simple, to hold on. We let the others see that we're stronger when we know we've never been this fragile before. I look as if I need the silence while having the music still on is the thing I mostly need. But...this is how it is. Since we all know, we rule the world, but life has already written its own rules, called fate. And this is what we all have to face, to keep holding on. And to grow up to be a woman.

2010 is really.....unexplainable.

If you're surely living this life, you should always be ready to be up and down.

It's quite confusing how we could have a super flat day yesterday and have a lot of surprises today. I'm having 3 months off of almost everything, especially school. Don't call it holiday, I'm not even having fun. The fact is, I'm wasting so much time by looking for something fun and the result is I've got no money left. Stupid? Yes.
Those months I worked hard for what I've got now, and these months I'm afraid I'll die just because I've got nothing to do almost everyday.
Thousands plans, nothing's done. But to stay alive, we'll always have to be thankful for everything.

People:

easy come, easy go.

Carelessly in love

Falling in love with the wrong girl is totally bad isn't it? And don't you regret it? But you can't imagine how hurt it is to be the wrong girl who realises that she has fallen in love with the right guy.

You may be ready to be broken. But I'm not.