....true story.

going home from a bad, tiring day.
in need of nothing but a big hug.
getting in a big fight instead.

unexpected things do happen,
few times more than the expected ones.


"trying to make it work, but, man, these times are hard."

she's all laid up in bed with a broken heart/while I'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar/and we don't know how/how we got in to this mad situation/only doing things out of frustration/trying to make it work but man these times are hard/but we're gonna start by/drinking old cheap bottles of wine/
sit talking up all night/saying things we haven't for a while
we're smiling but we're close tears/even after all these years/we just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time..

It's nearly 4am here. I've been awake since 2 and I've got nothing to do, no one to call, or I might have tried to call but it was left unanswered. I've been spending my whole evening in the dark, only got the lights from my laptop and sometimes from my phone. I cannot even remember what time I did fall asleep, I just remember the heavy rain was still pouring and no one was home. 
It's been a rough day and I've been completely a mess.
I did not know what I went through til I got home and felt such a big loss. I did not prepare for anything when I first opened my eyes, I prayed for a good day, I did even put a smile on my face, knowing the 3 months off were just coming. But things did not go as easily as I wished. I was not ready, for anything. I was not ready to take any step forward, or to stop. The day was too rough to handle. I tried to get stoned, but no matter how hard I tried to stand strong with my pride, things just fell over and over again, and finally, so did my pride. I am totally fed up with anger, disagreement, silence, yes, screaming onto each other does hurt but silence kills, and now I end up helplessly waiting for something real. I want to be lead to something that makes sense. This doesn't make sense, because if it does, I should have not felt disoriented right now.
This is the funny fact about life, I just found out that the ones with the biggest role in your life are usually those who are able to dig the biggest hole in it. And sometimes, they put a sack of big stones there for you to carry, although we all know the heart isn't always that strong, is it?

It's 4.30 now. And the rain is still pouring outside, not heavily, but it's still pouring anyway. A cold night has just passed. I'm not ready for a long day. No....I just want a good day.


time to be (un) happy

have I been really wrong about the way I define "happiness" or have I been expecting too much from it?
I find things become really hard no matter how long they have gone on, or no matter how long I have struggled with them. it's that hard to be truly happy these days, even to lay on and relax for a while.

the only reason I keep going on is just because the people who already struggled hard and failed, keep telling me to believe and hold on.

there were so much time to be happy.
this may be the time to be unhappy, experiencing the other cycle of life.