Nah, I'm not a scientist.

I sometimes wonder what a wonderful creature human is to be gifted such a brain. That thing in our heads that tells us what to do, the central operating system of every move that our bodies make and of every thought that our minds create. And with the size that is not even bigger than our heads, this small thing is wonderfully able to keep a lot of things. Knowledge we get from school, list of to-dos we make every morning, lyrics of our favorite songs, quotes we read in our books, and even memories.

Don't you feel weird about this thing called memory and how powerful it becomes? Sometimes on your exam, you ought to add only one more line that you read on the last night before to complete your answer but you can't help to remember any word of it. Yet when you listen to a song, re-watch a movie you've watched before, visit a place you've gone before, then all of a sudden this brain is able to bring back, not only a line of a passage you need to remember, but also a lot of things that you wish you had forgotten?

Yes, it can be that powerful, that easily. You do not even need to be the brightest in your class to bring these things back to your mind. Even feelings. Feelings. Does it have anything to do with our hearts then? I guess so. Again, this small thing which I usually believe as the strongest thing inside our bodies where we bury all the pain and the happiness of every moment in our lives, that sometimes we think it has had enough already but it actually hasn't. Even after holding so much emotions, it still beats.

This connection between this two thing inside our heads and this thing inside our chests somehow brings me to another question. Is it possible that; the deeper you bury the feelings inside your heart, the longer the memory will stay and live there that even time after time, this memory gets smarter to find an easier way each time it gets transferred to your brain? Since even after a few years pass by, it is even easier to do the recalling. You thought, as the time went by, you would forget it all, but you don't. That's sick, isn't it? You start forgetting the exact story line, the face, the words you hear, but not the emotions. You no longer need any song or scent to remind you, the memory itself will come to you and bring the emotions back all over again. The sadness, the anger, the pleasure, the overwhelming feeling of loving and being loved, you name it. And it happens a lot, regularly, that you start to think of it as a syndrome, you know when and how it will happen and affect you. It no longer breaks your heart, but it stays there and grows like a monster inside you. And on those days it gets back to your mind, with no particularly good reason, you just feel strange, as if you stand exactly on the edge between sometime in the past and sometime in the present.

It is not that you lose the ability to look forward, but some memories just keep coming back no matter how far you have walked today. You wonder when it will be over but it won't be, since it has already taken a part in our lives. You think it's gone, but, honey, you might just have known how to deal with it and wash it away, so this syndrome no longer affects you as bad as it did before. It just stays there, inside our heads and our hearts, floating and sometimes popping in our mind. We do not even understand why they keep coming back, but well... some memories might just be so passionate with their job, that is why they work hard to be remembered.


Survival mode on a Monday morning.

Current time: 10 am, on a Monday morning.
I am now sitting alone in a corner of a coffee shop located in one of Jakarta's busiest business districts, sipping my green tea latte (since I already had my cup of coffee this morning), surrounded by morning meetings, business talks, people with their office wears. Gladly I brought my laptop along with me, so at least, I look as if I have something to do. 

This morning was.... one of a kind. That kind of morning that makes you just want to shout "Oh my, what-a-morning!" and kick something. I got up so much earlier to finish my task since I had spent my weekend going out of town, forced myself to get myself ready and took my morning train which was (always) really full with people that I was afraid it would explode. Half of my way, I got a message informing that the class was cancelled, and I was like..... Dammit, I knew it. But then, since I was supposed to go to the office this afternoon, I decided not to go home, so I got off on a train station, brought my two heavy bags with me, got nowhere to go, walked along until I decided to took a bus and finally ended up here. It is only 10 am and I feel so worn out already. My legs hurt, my shoulders feel so sore, but after all, who am I to complain? These things happen a lot in life. This kind of morning happens a lot in life.

My weekend was exhausting but great. That is what motivates me to stay positive and do my best to get through the rest of this day. 

PS. I just got a message that I do not need to go the office.

PPS. It's okay, I knew it. 

I should really listen to what my heart says next time. My head is too stoned.