leaving 2012 with fever.

This is the last day of 2012 and I have to stay on my bed all day long due to this fever. I have been cursing this (of course), but I am thankful enough this didn't happen on Christmas Eve. For the last few years, I have never got any great story about my New Year's Eve though. It always went unplanned, sometimes failed, and most of them were so-so. But still, there's so much to be thankful for that I still have the chance to end another year and move to the upcoming one completely with my beloved ones, my family, my friends, my boyfriend.

 Hope you are all enjoying the last day of 2012, have a great New Year's Eve!



we are afraid of what we feel, of what might hurt us. the cold nights; the black clouds on the sky while we don't have any umbrella on our hands; the sad faces that might bring the bad news; the silence that suddenly comes after the joy we've just shared; the mistakes we don't realize; the high pitch shouts; the ground we see while we're flying high; the thoughts of the world outside....

and we are even more afraid that we've felt too much and we have nothing left to feel.


There's always something to do at Christmas.

Waiting for christmas day is the most exciting thing to do every year. The ups and downs that keep coming even on my favorite time of the year like these days do not stop me from wanting the christmas day to come even more. I have nothing special to prepare or wait, though, the day itself has always been special for me. And the preparations, they can't be more exciting than this. These days, I have even forgotten all the stuffs on my list, even my final assignments.

Since my sister has moved to Bandung and rarely goes home (she is really the busiest freshman girl I've ever seen), I replace her role to be mom's company on preparing our christmas stuffs this year. And it is exciting. We've been decorating the house since November 29th, decorating the tree, going to the malls to find something new for mom's christmas collection, hunting the christmas gifts, baking the christmas cookies, and, of course, buying and adding more and more christmas cds to daddy's collection. Joyful christmas songs are filling our house almost every day.

Routines are really hard to do these days and dealing with finals really brings my mood down sometimes. Sometimes I wish we had a long winter holiday here so I can just spend all my time enjoying these moments.

And yes, the guy next to me has been a busy man now. But, another yes, he's still really good at doing his job as my partner in crime. Please do not mind the big noses, this is just one of the best poses we can do.

Hope you all have a joyful moment as well, have yourself a merry little christmas!



another entire year.

Because you've always been there.

when the spring flowers bloomed on those famous London parks,
here I got my so-so holiday and you cheered me up.
you did your best and graduated from college, making me proud.

when the sun stroke high in summer,
we also got the longest and hottest season of the year, which caused some breakdowns but we promised to keep holding on
my birthday came and you were still there, singing the fabulous happy birthday song and capturing photos of me blowing the candles

while the Americans were picking the fallen leaves from the trees by autumn,
we laid down side by side laughing over the list of our American dreams.
and once again this so called life surprised us, your wish got answered and our free days were twisted, so we gladly welcomed back the busy days.

and even when the cold winter night already starts to haunt the cold world,
you are still the one I'd want to hug every time the pouring rain starts to dance outside my window,
and you're still there hanging on the phone line every single day, wishing me luck to go through another day.

Thank you. For another entire year, you've always been there.
Happy 2nd anniversary, Lavly Kawengian. I love you.


None of us is a fortune teller.

I don't mean to be overreacting, I just never got any lyrics of any song which can meaningfully express how your life has been, or how you really feel, lately. This one... is literally true. I mean it.

I'm not a fortune teller
I won't be bringing news of what tomorrow brings
I'll leave that up to you
I'm not a fortune teller
Don't have a crystal ball
I can't predict the future
Can't see nothing at all

It doesn't mean I'm afraid

Of all the things that you say
But I just think we should stay
Stuck in the moment today
And as the seasons roll by
No matter how hard I try
Summer will end and the leaves will turn again

I don't know why you're acting like this

I don't know why you had to do it again
Why'd you have to go and ruin the night?
Don't worry about tomorrow's mess

I'll never know

How the future will go
I don't know what to tell you,
I'm not a fortune teller
I'll never change,
But I want you to stay
I don't know what to tell you,
I'm not a fortune teller

I don't like watching TV

I don't know what it all means
And your american dream,
Baby, it just isn't me
I know that what I'm thinking
May not be on your mind
I know the song I'm singing
Is not your favorite kind

It doesn't mean I'm afraid

Of all the things that you say
But I just think we should stay
Stuck in the moment today
And as the seasons roll by
No matter how hard I try
Summer will end and the leaves will turn again

I don't know why you're acting like this

I don't know why you had to do it again
Why'd you have to go and ruin the night?
Don't worry about tomorrow's mess

I'll never know

How the future will go
I don't know what to tell you,
I'm not a fortune teller
I'll never change,
But I want you to stay
I don't know what to tell you,
I'm not a fortune teller

This feeling keeps growing,

These rivers keep flowing.
How can I have answers when you drown me in questions?

I'll never know

How the future will go
I don't know what to tell you,
I'm not a fortune teller
I'll never change,
But I want you to stay
I don't know what to tell you,
I'm not a fortune teller

and just like that... this upbeat song gives another hit on me, much more than the ballad ones. again.


and the journey still continues.

A friend of mine once said,

"What really matters in a relationship is not how long it lasts and where it ends, but the whole process you are both going through, since the very beginning, now, tomorrow, and so on, and how this process affects you to be someone else, better or worse."

I'm good, I feel good.
I can't tell whether this relationship has brought me into a better person or not, well, I am not there yet, I just feel good.
This, this whole thing, really takes time. Days. Nights. Weeks. Months. Years.
To know you better, to know me better, to realize that I was not as good as I thought, to realize that we were not as perfect as we (or especially, I) thought.

I feel good.
Through a lot of smile, pain, laughter, and tears, there's always another chance to feel, and know, something new. New lessons, new mistakes, new point of view, new conclusion, new habits, new favorites, and so on, and so on, and so on, each day.
They bring me closer to you, and it feels good.

I know I can't wish for things to stay the same forever anymore. There will always be something different, to talk about, to fight about. It's just, as long as you are with me on this, I'll take every chance. You make me feel good.


Goodbye, ....teen.

I (finally) reached the number 20 last Monday.
I had the people I love around.
I pray to be happy and I hope it is enough.

Happy birthday, Reinata.


Sensitivity: up to 90%.

One of those times when doing the thing you mostly love does even bring you down.
You never knew something like this would happen though; but it hurts you quite well that you cry over it that much.
It almost feels like having a heartbroken.


This is why the phone line is sometimes busy at nights.

If someone asks me about my favorite things, I'm pretty sure I'll add nightcalls to my answer. A night can be as exciting as a day. A lot of things happen at nights, a lot of secrets are revealed at nights, a lot of problems are discussed and solved at nights. For two people who don't live under the same roof, those things mostly happen on night calls. That's what makes it sweet. Two lovebirds who are separated on each bed spend the night altogether through the phone line, telling jokes, secrets, tears, and feel happy of it. I don't really know, but, sometimes, at the end of some night calls, I find myself feeling a bit stronger.

It's just good to have someone who wants to listen all night. Thanks to you. Good night.


A sweet song about the vow.

One Hand, One Heart (OST. West Side Story)

This one above is my favorite scene from West Side Story. I don't really like sad endings though, but I really love seeing how the newly love they shared was so strong that it was almost too good to be true. I've been having this simple thought on my mind; sometimes we have to see how other people (or couple) trust on themselves to start believing on our own. Nobody bets on things that look impossible for them. But it is not gambling. We don't know where, or how, things will last, but I believe there are some points behind how hard you give your best and try to make things work, or how you trust the little voice in your mind that it is worth trying. Then you will find no regret.


....true story.

going home from a bad, tiring day.
in need of nothing but a big hug.
getting in a big fight instead.

unexpected things do happen,
few times more than the expected ones.


"trying to make it work, but, man, these times are hard."

she's all laid up in bed with a broken heart/while I'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar/and we don't know how/how we got in to this mad situation/only doing things out of frustration/trying to make it work but man these times are hard/but we're gonna start by/drinking old cheap bottles of wine/
sit talking up all night/saying things we haven't for a while
we're smiling but we're close tears/even after all these years/we just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time..

It's nearly 4am here. I've been awake since 2 and I've got nothing to do, no one to call, or I might have tried to call but it was left unanswered. I've been spending my whole evening in the dark, only got the lights from my laptop and sometimes from my phone. I cannot even remember what time I did fall asleep, I just remember the heavy rain was still pouring and no one was home. 
It's been a rough day and I've been completely a mess.
I did not know what I went through til I got home and felt such a big loss. I did not prepare for anything when I first opened my eyes, I prayed for a good day, I did even put a smile on my face, knowing the 3 months off were just coming. But things did not go as easily as I wished. I was not ready, for anything. I was not ready to take any step forward, or to stop. The day was too rough to handle. I tried to get stoned, but no matter how hard I tried to stand strong with my pride, things just fell over and over again, and finally, so did my pride. I am totally fed up with anger, disagreement, silence, yes, screaming onto each other does hurt but silence kills, and now I end up helplessly waiting for something real. I want to be lead to something that makes sense. This doesn't make sense, because if it does, I should have not felt disoriented right now.
This is the funny fact about life, I just found out that the ones with the biggest role in your life are usually those who are able to dig the biggest hole in it. And sometimes, they put a sack of big stones there for you to carry, although we all know the heart isn't always that strong, is it?

It's 4.30 now. And the rain is still pouring outside, not heavily, but it's still pouring anyway. A cold night has just passed. I'm not ready for a long day. No....I just want a good day.


time to be (un) happy

have I been really wrong about the way I define "happiness" or have I been expecting too much from it?
I find things become really hard no matter how long they have gone on, or no matter how long I have struggled with them. it's that hard to be truly happy these days, even to lay on and relax for a while.

the only reason I keep going on is just because the people who already struggled hard and failed, keep telling me to believe and hold on.

there were so much time to be happy.
this may be the time to be unhappy, experiencing the other cycle of life.


1992. 2012.

Saya lahir di tahun 1992. Begitu juga kebanyakan orang di sekitar saya.
Tahun ini, 2012. Tahun ini menginjak kepala dua.
Beruntung, saya masih memiliki 2 bulan terakhir untuk mengisi masa belasan saya.
Kepala dua.
Tidak seserius itu.
Masih jauh lebih mudah dari kepala tiga.
Tapi kepala dua.
Menciptakan tuntutan agar hal-hal serius mulai dipikirkan, untuk dibicarakan.
Karena katanya, waktu akan berjalan lebih cepat dari yang disadari manusia.
Hmm... harus seserius itu?


More to be classical than popular.

Thank You For The Music (ABBA), covered by Amanda Seyfried.

"I was not born to be a great singer. I was born to sing."

Things are getting so intimate between me and music sheets. I don't get much time to do any getaway, yet I have found the simplest way to forget the other things for a little while. The good feeling that music can give to someone's heart is the best thing I've known so far. So relieved :)


See me already?

Since "Where have you been?" is the thing I've heard the most recently.

There's still so much to learn every single day.

"Tomorrow brings sorrow, day after brings laughter. For that is life's way."

Those words above are perfectly combined and written as a song lyric on one of my music book. As expected, I've been holding onto those words since the day I found it. So far, things do not come as easily as I wished before. Things I left on the last page of the previous year do actually still happen the same way as it happened before.

And it's May already.


The very last week before the 4th term starts.

I get sick, Monday-Friday. :(
Let's see if this weekend can do something good to my health.


denial: accepted.

"yes. people will judge. that's sad, I know.
and, the irritating fact is, yes, they are right, we might be blind, so brainless, so unreasonable.
but I know, you know, we all know, there's something we can't say, we can't ever explain,
about this whole thing you are crazy about."

".... I thought it was only me."

"and no one knows you better than you do.
fight this feeling.

Because your heart says so.

when you really love someone,
there will always be something to worry about; what else is going to happen, tonight, tomorrow, next week, this year?
there will always be a reason to ask 'why should I, why shouldn't you?'.
there will always be this feeling that makes you feel like you are such a fool.
there will always be this confusing path, giving you choice either to keep walking or to stop.
there will always be the time when you want to let your ego win.
there will always be this voice whispering in your head, 'is it worthwhile?'.
and there will always be that quote, saying, 'what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger', and it becomes your only statement when others judge you.

but in the end,
your heart will say so,
and you will keep coming back to those arms, somehow.

and I,
I just love the fact that my heart wins over my ego, almost all the time.


One does simply get by.

Things will not ever be easy anymore, so every time I get my chance to have my good friends around,
I would really love--
--to dream
to dance
to laugh
to sing
like there's no tomorrow


days off.

I'm on an unplanned holiday, as usual. After four months of struggling, my third term was finally ended on last Friday. Haven't seen my scores, though, but after all the pressure, I can only hope for nothing but the best. It's not the 'best' like 'the best in class' actually, it's more like the word 'best' in 'I am sure God knows what's best for me'. Get it?
And since it is definitely another unplanned holiday with nothing to do on my checklist, I decide to enjoy every little treatment I do to myself to get my spirit back and to make a distance from any kind of pressure, as far as it can be:
  • staying longer under my blanket while enjoying the pouring rain outside my window
  • turning the lamps off a little bit earlier, but staying up late with laptop on and browsing all night long
  • re-watching my favorite movies or buying the new ones if it's possible
  • renewing my playlist
  • letting the alarm ring every morning and snoozing it for 20 times
  • spending time with the loved ones
  • taking every chance to catch up with good friends
  • doing nothing but having stupid chats on messenger
  • reblogging all the good posts on tumblr
  • taking time to pray more.
So, the fourth term is going to start really soon, it might be the shortest holiday I've ever got in college. And again, I can only hope for nothing but the best.


note this,

stop being too afraid of picking a choice.
as long as you have the chance, it's ok to change your mind.


One Hot Sunny Day

Few days ago, just like the other days, I took the train to go home.

Well, I never recommend you to take any train on the middle of a hot sunny day. Why? I'll tell you the reasons:
1. If you're not lucky enough, no matter what train you take, the commuter one or the economy one, they both are the same. It's zuper hot inside, and you're gonna end up with sweat all over your body and your hair.
2. If you're not lucky enough, although it's already 11 am, people are unexpectedly still going to the city. The train was SO full with people, I did even think it could explode at any time. Human explosion, how cool.

So, all I heard along the way home was just.... a choir of crying children. One cried, two cried, three cried, all cried. And what happened next was just those moms who tried to calm their children down.

When the other people on the train started to feel annoyed, I started to miss every moment when the reasons to cry were as simple as hot weather, feeling hungry, or wanting a toy so bad but mom wouldn't let me buy one. And when I was done with crying, I would go playing all over again, found my mom and asked for another hug, got another hug, went playing all over again, and forgot the reason why I had cried, even forgot that I had just cried. Everything was this simple, then it all changed when I grew up.

I might be the only girl who still keeps on wondering why things should change, and why it happens a lot right at the time when I wish things would stay the same.

My friend once said,

"The only thing that doesn't change is the change itself."

Well, I guess, that's.... simply what we call the ugly truth.