Reviews and Resolutions

Three days to another new year, 2012.

2011 began with spotlights everywhere, and no maps at all. I did not know what to face along the year, it all came with surprise. I reached the highest point at the very start, met the spotlights everywhere, and start to fall down til I reached the the lowest point at the end of the year, with a little candle on my hand. It is just three days to the upcoming new year and I get sick, sick enough to make me stay on my bed all day long. And I take my time to think.

2011 has been good, but uneasy, and hard, name it. My mood changed a lot this year. I felt a lot of various feelings this year. There were times to be happy, sad, afraid, satisfied, disappointed, and mad. There were some moments when I got the chance to laugh until I got no breath, and to cry until I got no tears left.

Instead of being sick, I would rather call it as a depression. I know I have been afraid enough to start a new year. I keep on asking, what else will happen next year? How big will the pressure I feel? But then...the last thing I have asked is, why do I have to be this afraid of new things? It is just... it is so not me. I used to be excited of new things.

So, I decided to make a simple resolution for my new year. I want to be enjoy. I know some things will be pretty easy and others will be hard somehow, even harder, but I just want to make sure that I can enjoy every little things that will come. At the end of this year, I want to get all the positive energy I have lost, and prepare it to work well so I can start the upcoming year in a good way.

Work hard, and, instead of 'play', I will try to pray harder.

Wish me luck, and good luck for all of you.

Happy New Year 2012. :)

The most wonderful time of the year.

See the lights and hang the stockings

Decorate with green and red

Made the cookies for old Santa,

Made a runway for his sled

Singing carols on a sleigh ride

Gather 'round the manger scene

Open presents and read the letters

And together we will sing...

Merry Christmas 2011 and Happy New Year 2012!

May God bless everyday of your life.

:)

Antisocial.

I need to maintain my social life, there's something wrong with it.

I mistrust people, I just hate how people stab each other's back, but it's even hard for me to say 'no' to them, especially the ones with best fake smiles, so instead of saying no, I prefer ignoring and I think I've lost almost everyone.

I was the one with huge circle of friends, but now I get pathetically disoriented in society.

This thing brings me to two possibilities:

1. This isn't just me who feels empty, but people are also losing everyone and, like it or not, start to think about themselves more than others, call it individualist.

2. I might blame them for leaving, but maybe, it's just me who practically decided to move my own feet to the sideline and became an outsider.

I-might-be-the-problem-in-this-case.

How sad.

Calling....15-11-11.

Happy things happen in the middle of the rainy days in November:

boyfriend's birthday and our 1st anniversary on the same day :)

Leaving everything behind, or being left behind?

Growing up is not easy at all.

I have met those pointless days, those disoriented feelings, those questions, those regrets, like all you want to do is clicking 'undo' on everything and getting back to the very start. Fixing things you know you should have not done.

I know I have been a total mess. I annoy people, even the people I love. But I personally think that this might be another big step we should take in our life. To leave everything behind and be a better one instead.

Oh, and the most special thing I would like to say to you is.

Don't lose someone who stays with you while you're growing up.

:S

While everyone starts to write, or even improve his/her writing skill,

I surprisingly stop writing.

19 Mei 2011.

We know we can't wish the people we love to live forever, but sometimes, we wish they'd live one day longer.

Tarakanita 4 berduka. Yesterday, God called my two teachers back to heaven.
As I said, 3 tahun gue di SMP Tarakanita 4 adalah salah satu 3 tahun paling bermakna sepanjang hidup gue. For once in my life, my school was another place I'd call home. Nggak cuma karena temen-temen dan momen-momen di dalamnya, tapi juga keakraban murid-murid sama guru-gurunya yang gue yakin jarang ditemuin di tempat lain.

Bpk JB Mardi, dalam usianya yang sudah mencapai kepala 6, dan kepintarannya dalam matematika yang nggak pernah pudar, meninggal kemarin pagi karna kecelakaan. Shock awalnya, dan sedih. Bpk JB Mardi dulu terkenal kalem tapi killer, rajin ngasih latihan soal, rapih banget dalam ngasih catetan matematika. Kalo disapa sama anak-anak, yang adalah salah satu budaya di Tarpat, biasanya dia cuma ngangguk terus senyum. Hal yang paling gue inget adalah kebiasaannya nambahin huruf S diakhir kata-kata dengan huruf terakhir T. "Empats suduts," gue mengingat itu sebagai salah satu kekhasan dari guru besar yang satu ini. Sayangnya, gue nggak sempet ikut temen-temen untuk ngasih penghormatan terakhir ke beliau, karena jenazahnya hari itu juga akan dibawa ke Klaten.

Sorenya, gue skip kelas PsiKom, dan pulang ke rumah. Nyoba tidur siang, gue nggak bisa-bisa tidur. Nggak lama, adek gue masuk ke kamar dan bilang, "Kak, Pak Sus juga meninggal." Wasn't it weird? Pak Sus nyusul Pak Mardi sepulangnya beliau dari Rumah Duka St Carolus, karena serangan jantung. Dan fyi, Pak Sus was one of my closest teacher. Dulu dia guru Bahasa Indonesia, mulai tau ada anak murid yang namanya Reinata saat gue naik ke kelas 2 smp. Sejak itu, gue sering banget diajak ngobrol dan becanda sama Pak Sus. Tegas, dia adalah salah satu guru yang paling rajin meriksa kedisiplinan anak-anak, dan gue adalah salah satu murid yang paling nggak disiplin apalagi dalam soal pakaian dan sepatu, tapi gue sering dapet dispensasi :p Pas gue masuk SMA, setiap gue main ke Tarpat, gue masih sering nyamperin untuk ngasih laporan atau sekedar nanya kabar. Akhir-akhir ini, gue baru inget kalo gue belom sempet main ke Tarpat untuk ketemu sama guru-guru sejak gue kuliah, dan udah planning untuk main kesana pas liburan nanti. Tapi ternyata... Tuhan berkehendak lain. Gue shock, bbm juga langsung rame, singkat kata, sampe akhirnya gue dateng ngelayat ke rumah Pak Sus sama keluarga gue, dan ngeliat Pak Sus buat terakhir kali. Shock, nggak percaya, karena Pak Sus masih tergolong muda. Rumahnya rame banget, banyak anak murid yang dateng buat ngasih penghormatan untuk yang terakhir kalinya. Ini jadi bukti kalau sebenarnya, walaupun dulu anak murid banyak yang sebel karena kedisiplinan dan ke-killer-an guru-guru itu, tapi kita semua menyimpan rasa yang penuh hormat buat Bpk JB Mardi dan Bpk Susmana.

However, those teachers were once my inspirations in my whole life. Secara langsung atau nggak langsung, nilai-nilai yang ditanamin di SMP Tarakanita 4 dulu masih kerasa bergunanya untuk dipakai sampe sekarang, dan itu semua berkat guru-guru gue di SMP dulu.

They must be angels in heaven now. May you two rest in peace, dear teachers :')

9 days: Free!

Hello! I'm on a little holiday. I'm skipping school for a week, it's Tuesday already, means 5 more days til the holiday's over. I spent the first 3 days at Singapore. The last 3 days were awesome, enjoyable, yet also unhealthy. I ate everything but vegetables, and I barely drank mineral water. It almost killed me, I promise to myself that I'm gonna spend the rest of the week by drinking bottles of mineral water and vegetables. I'm staying at Batam now, at Ruben's house. We're planning to go to Sentosa Island on Thursday, yeah let's just see :)

p.s: I wish L were with me anyway :(

eelie meelie Lavley mo

"They don't know how long it takes, waiting for a love like this."

Being in a relationship isn't easy. But, surprisingly, being with you is what I've been waiting for all my life. It's kind of feeling when you wish forever would be so real. Why don't we try to make it real? I love you, much more than a fat kid loves cakes.

sincerely,
yours.

living life to the fullest

When you know what your passion is,
when you finally know how to do it,
when you have a lot of amazing partners who you can share your passion with
you'll know that every thing you do in life is so worthwhile.

If you ask me where I have been these days,
what I write as the title above will probably be my best answer.

(?)

 

And here it comes again, the rollercoaster.

Before you start reading this post. I’m having a... trouble with my sleeping schedule. It’s 3.30 am here, I’m completely a mess with these black circles under my eyes, I feel like my head is gonna fly away whenever it wants now, I’m not in a good mood I can even say that I’m fucked up, over and over again, and I’ve never thought before that I’d ever make a honest writing just like the one you’ll read below. I might regret it later, but why not? :-)

“For the way you're something that I'd never choose,
but at the same time, something I don't wanna lose.”

I’ve just never been in this kind of story. It’s more complicated than I thought it would be. And the funny thing is, it’s also the sweetest page I’ve ever written in my life. I go up and down a lot than I’ve ever done. No, it’s actually not me who goes up and down, it’s actually the whole story. People keep talking about those things such as struggling, surviving, and so on. I just don’t know. I know that fighting, arguing, debating are so normal, but, should we really give everything up on them? We hold the story, don’t we? I put so much hope on this track. And I mean it.

“…a part-time lover, a full-time friend.”

I got a splash of hesitation, and it’s disturbing, seriously. I need to find out how to believe that differences will bring some more good things. Or, is it the ego, who has successfully created the bad parts on the story? We’re old enough not to play around with something like this anymore, aren’t we? I’d love to be your partner who’s always be there no matter how bad the situation is than to be a girl who you can always hang out and have fun with. I have to stop being anyone else, and so do you. Why don’t we just lay down and talk about everything, even the littlest thing?

And, for the record, did you know the thing that made me like you? It was the way you took everything easy. We lived so enjoyably. I’m sure we just need to relax a bit, trust me. This will work.

Hello?

Another one o’clock in the morning and it’s even gonna move to two in several minutes. I’m having a month off, I’m not calling it as a holiday ‘cos I don’t really feel like I’m on a real holiday. I’ve been craving for a rrrreal holiday for a long long time. Didn’t I say that a tough year had just passed by? I need something like a getaway, or a little vacation to a place where I’m able to have a space from all those pressures. Well, after all, I need to refresh my mind. I know I’ve promised for hundred times not to complain about things anymore. I’ll stop here then. Bye. xx

Another year has gone by.

I’m not saying that 2010 was too quick to go by but I can’t believe it’s 2011 already! 2010 was so complicated, I don’t know what word would describe it better. It was upsetting yet exciting at the same time. I got down a lot, well, so did everyone, I think. At least, everything felt balance at last. Despite the loss itself, I got almost everything I had asked. I got accepted at University of Indonesia, majoring in Communication Science, the one I had always dreamt about. I (finally) could get along with the adaptation and so far, I feel good to be here, to have a lot of new, good, yet crazy friends around, to have an irreplaceable family like #comm10. I’ve become one of Paragita Choir, which I hope will bring me a way to see the whole world someday. And I finally got together with the one I had deniably waited for quite a long time :p

I may still look childishly naive, but I got into a lot of transitions last year. Now, I take a look at everything as if my eyes get wider each day. I’ve begun to understand why people are so different, one from each other. I don’t know whether I was too blind, or silly, but I sometimes laugh when I remember how narrow-minded I was. I’ve got some resolutions to be done this year, but I’ve chosen not to write it down here, I’ll keep it by myself. Let’s just hope this list won’t end up uselessly ;)

To everyone who’s hoping for a good year, we may not know what lies ahead, but we can’t depend everything on fate, everything depends on us. Don’t stop believing, I’m  with you all.

God bless.