The circle of life is rolling again.

We get totally busier than we've ever been these days. I meet him almost every day now, get to see my favorite face almost every morning, get so much time to talk to each other in person that the phone calls we used to have are no longer on the top of our daily routine's list, yet I still feel as if there's something missing in it.

The circle of life is finally rolling again, taking us to another page of life, and giving us new roles to live. All those old routines are now inside a box marked 'The Things We Used To Do'; the day offs, the long night calls, the DVD sessions on the late evenings, the cuddling hours,.... Do I miss them? Yes. I do. We hardly find any chance to do what we used to do these days. In fact, these crazy days teach me to appreciate every single time I get to spend with him without having to worry about the traffic jams, the day to day's tasks, the fluctuating mood after a bad day...

I wonder how many times the circle of life has rolled since the first time I met you. Whoa, I was so young back then. Well, neither you nor I know what happens next, but so far, I'm happy doing this with you. Yes, I do miss those old routine a lot, but I'm glad you're the one whom I've been moving forward with. Stay close, we still have so much to do together, I guess. :)

Nah, I'm not a scientist.

I sometimes wonder what a wonderful creature human is to be gifted such a brain. That thing in our heads that tells us what to do, the central operating system of every move that our bodies make and of every thought that our minds create. And with the size that is not even bigger than our heads, this small thing is wonderfully able to keep a lot of things. Knowledge we get from school, list of to-dos we make every morning, lyrics of our favorite songs, quotes we read in our books, and even memories.

Don't you feel weird about this thing called memory and how powerful it becomes? Sometimes on your exam, you ought to add only one more line that you read on the last night before to complete your answer but you can't help to remember any word of it. Yet when you listen to a song, re-watch a movie you've watched before, visit a place you've gone before, then all of a sudden this brain is able to bring back, not only a line of a passage you need to remember, but also a lot of things that you wish you had forgotten?

Yes, it can be that powerful, that easily. You do not even need to be the brightest in your class to bring these things back to your mind. Even feelings. Feelings. Does it have anything to do with our hearts then? I guess so. Again, this small thing which I usually believe as the strongest thing inside our bodies where we bury all the pain and the happiness of every moment in our lives, that sometimes we think it has had enough already but it actually hasn't. Even after holding so much emotions, it still beats.

This connection between this two thing inside our heads and this thing inside our chests somehow brings me to another question. Is it possible that; the deeper you bury the feelings inside your heart, the longer the memory will stay and live there that even time after time, this memory gets smarter to find an easier way each time it gets transferred to your brain? Since even after a few years pass by, it is even easier to do the recalling. You thought, as the time went by, you would forget it all, but you don't. That's sick, isn't it? You start forgetting the exact story line, the face, the words you hear, but not the emotions. You no longer need any song or scent to remind you, the memory itself will come to you and bring the emotions back all over again. The sadness, the anger, the pleasure, the overwhelming feeling of loving and being loved, you name it. And it happens a lot, regularly, that you start to think of it as a syndrome, you know when and how it will happen and affect you. It no longer breaks your heart, but it stays there and grows like a monster inside you. And on those days it gets back to your mind, with no particularly good reason, you just feel strange, as if you stand exactly on the edge between sometime in the past and sometime in the present.

It is not that you lose the ability to look forward, but some memories just keep coming back no matter how far you have walked today. You wonder when it will be over but it won't be, since it has already taken a part in our lives. You think it's gone, but, honey, you might just have known how to deal with it and wash it away, so this syndrome no longer affects you as bad as it did before. It just stays there, inside our heads and our hearts, floating and sometimes popping in our mind. We do not even understand why they keep coming back, but well... some memories might just be so passionate with their job, that is why they work hard to be remembered.

Survival mode on a Monday morning.

Current time: 10 am, on a Monday morning.

I am now sitting alone in a corner of a coffee shop located in one of Jakarta's busiest business districts, sipping my green tea latte (since I already had my cup of coffee this morning), surrounded by morning meetings, business talks, people with their office wears. Gladly I brought my laptop along with me, so at least, I look as if I have something to do. 

This morning was.... one of a kind. That kind of morning that makes you just want to shout "Oh my, what-a-morning!" and kick something. I got up so much earlier to finish my task since I had spent my weekend going out of town, forced myself to get myself ready and took my morning train which was (always) really full with people that I was afraid it would explode. Half of my way, I got a message informing that the class was cancelled, and I was like..... Dammit, I knew it. But then, since I was supposed to go to the office this afternoon, I decided not to go home, so I got off on a train station, brought my two heavy bags with me, got nowhere to go, walked along until I decided to took a bus and finally ended up here. It is only 10 am and I feel so worn out already. My legs hurt, my shoulders feel so sore, but after all, who am I to complain? These things happen a lot in life. This kind of morning happens a lot in life.

My weekend was exhausting but great. That is what motivates me to stay positive and do my best to get through the rest of this day. 

PS. I just got a message that I do not need to go the office.

PPS. It's okay, I knew it. 

I should really listen to what my heart says next time. My head is too stoned. 

checkpoint: One Thousand.

Cheers to 1000 days of sweet and sour, thick and thin, rainbows and storms.

summer paradise.

I had a quick trip to Bali on last July with my sisters and brother. It was a last-minute-plan, but still, it was fun! It almost paid all the madness off that had even started since January. I finally got to see the beach that I had been craving for most of the time. Here are some of the snapshots of the trip:

Garuda Wisnu Kencana, Bali
(the last time I saw this was almost 7 years ago!)

Water Blow, Nusa Dua

Kuta Beach

My holiday bonus :-)

Yes, I did even get to spend half of the trip with him :) It was all unplanned, we had planned a lot of trip together before but never had any time to get those lists done.

Sanur Beach, Bali

Mount Batur, Kintamani, Bali

Pandawa Private Beach, Bali
(apparently it was a newly opened beach in Bali. This was the most beautiful (and quiet) beach I have found so far)

Uluwatu, the Kecak Dance and the sunset

So, yes, it was definitely one fun short-getaway. Going home was the saddest moment of the four-days-trip, I have already been wishing to get back as soon as I got home. I cannot even wait to plan another getaway!

Hope you all had a good summer time as well. :)

been there, done that.

they all say that 

"you do not know what you have until it's gone."

but then we all get into a different story where what they all say is

"everything takes time."

oh please, those sayings are everywhere on those books; self-motivating books, chicken-soups, romance novels, 1000-quotes-to-make-your-life-better kind of books. I know. at first, I feel quite sure that I get the idea of those things people say, until I get to know what it feels when those two things hit and give something to learn practically at the same time. 

some people live in those stories where they know that they have something really precious so they keep it well and when they lose it they know they have it enough and it is time to let go, some others live in those stories where they get bummed by the reality that they actually had something really precious just after they lose it, and some others live in those stories where they have something but they think they deserve something better so they just let it go, move on to another story where they think it fits them better, and so things happen, and years later, when things start to fall not into the right place, they finally learn that what they once had and took totally for granted was really precious. that after things take their time, they finally know what they once had.

I lived in those glorious three years where I thought it was easy to say that those were the best three years of my life, so when they ended, I did not only lose those years but I lost me. I moved to another three years and took everything for granted. I had a really happy friendship-for-life but I gave it up, I had so much good time but I wasted it all, life was so nice to me but I made it hard. and now I have been living in, again, another three years, where almost all things happen differently so I have something to compare, where I finally know that I was really wrong not to appreciate every little thing that happened. 

it is too short to divide the phases of life to every three effing years, I know, but who knows if this three-years-phase will multiply later. six years, nine years for every phase... well who knows. as much as I know, if it is going to be another-three-years-phase, then I only have a little time left before it comes to an end. so, I guess I gotta go... I have a lot of little things waiting to be thankful for, a long list of good old pieces which were unknowingly missing waiting to be recollected, and a big box of chances waiting to be found.

"......I know I can't, cause now I see,

 I'll never stop this train."

it is rough, i'm telling you.

"if happy ever afters did exist, 

i would still be holding you like this."

people might tell you to go out, see the other pretty sides of the world, be with the people who love you more than you know, but there are some turning points that will make you just want to cry in your bed all day long, torturing yourself with those sappy love songs because that is the only way that will make you feel.

at some turning points, we give up and let the world beat us. 

"when you lose something you cant replace,

when you love someone but it goes to waste,

could it be worse?"

i dont even have any idea how things could go even worse than this.

Good morning.

Good morning.

At the beginning of this year, I promised myself to blog more (despite the fact that no one might read this page, I just want to save my posts more to myself so I can read them back later), but somehow I guess I have lost the rhythm. I can only write one post per month, so this is now actually sad. Every single time I get the idea to write, or photos to share, there always be some other things to do and I will just forget it later what I wanted to write.

I might have said it before but 6th term is just soooo crazy. I cannot wait for this term to come to an end, I have one more month = about 4-5 weeks to go = 30 days to go until this war is over. And as you all know, the final battle has always been the hardest. I am not eagerly waiting for the summer break, by the way, I just cannot wait for the next thing on the 'list' to happen, something else to do.

And those who know me well surely know how I always be so in love with the sky and clouds. Half of the pictures I have taken with my phone or with my camera might be the sky, and the clouds. I am amazed of how beautiful they can be (for my eyes) no matter how they turn to be that day. If anyone ask what would be the simplest thing that can make me happy, it is laying my head back down until both my eyes are fulfilled only by the skies.

I do not like what the world has to offer.

(via tumblr)

despite all those times we joke and argue over who first fell in love between the two of us, I can still clearly remember the very first time I met you. between all the other people who sat around the table, I knew you were one of a kind. one of a kind, you could be my friend. one of a kind, you could be someone cool to hang out with. one of a kind, you could be fun. one of a kind, you could be the only person beside me who was really annoyed to be there and wishing we were somewhere else, somewhere fun. one of a kind, but I never guessed at first that you could be a, my, lover or someone I could fall in love with.

and you know. the first days we talked to each other, we talked like two old friends who had never met for years. two old friends who came from two different worlds but yet still fit one another. it was hard to completely understand the big maze you had in your mind, but your mind finally accepted me as its friend in the end. and being with you is one big thing to deal with, but as we get to see more widely and deeply about ourselves, we finally get to know what the do's and don'ts, the yes and no, and be really okay with all of those. I got through a hard way to know you as much as I know you now, that I finally fall not only for you but also your mind. you were so unreachable, but then, you were never someone I did not know at all.

and, as you know, since the first time we got to know each other, we both knew we were born to be loners. lovers. loners. you like being alone. I love being alone. we both know that there is no problem with us being alone in the middle of a crowd, no matter how big the crowd is. you love spending hours doing your own thing on your computers, watching how easy the world go by. I love going anywhere all by myself, sitting alone and seeing how people get by one another, taking time to talk with my own mind. you know that I always have pages of thoughts that I need to ask my own mind how it thinks about them. being alone feels good. but then, at the end of the day, though, I will never miss any chance to have some alone time together. with you.

you see. after all, I am never afraid of the idea of being alone. 

it is the idea of you being a stranger, after these 4 years since the first time we met,

that 

somehow

                                       breaks

                                                                                                   me apart.

bad days, good days // easy come, easy go.

these pictures above are the pictures I recently took and shared on my instagram.

I cannot believe it is March already. 24 hours sound long enough but then again, days went by so fast that when I looked at the date, I was surprised that March had come. sometimes I joke around that we might need 31 hours to have a proper day, to have a proper sleep, to have a proper time management. I am really bad at this one. but then again, I do not think having 31 hours a day will make the problems go away, having 31 hours a day will just make the list of to-dos grow longer.

these days are seriously crazy. there were those days when I blabbered about how lifeless my days were (specifically it was my term-break) , but I guess I should have really enjoyed those days. these days I feel as if my brain never stops working, there is always something to think, something to discuss, something to do, I just cannot wait for my mind to explode. I sometimes think it is more mentally tiring than physically tiring.

at the beginning of most days, I am just really pessimist. sometimes things rush really fast, sometimes things just get worse than before, sometimes people are so hard to cooperate with, and I begin to wonder why I agreed to do this and that, I wonder how easy my days would be if I had just said no to anything. but then, at the end of the day, when I take time to review all the things I have done for a day, I feel completely amazed of how I finally get through another uneasy day while at first, all I really wanted to do in that morning was staying in my bed and hiding under my blanket all day. well, this might be the power of prayers, once I surrender everything into His hands, He does it really well. my Awesome God is really awesome.

I cannot say I am tired nor giving up because I think I have not done enough. this optimistic statement does not solve the problem nor make my days better, I know, but doing things for people, filling people's expectations, feeling satisfied of having things done, getting another experience, these kind of days, are just some things we need to keep moving forward to another day, another story, another experience, another dream, so we will always have something to be thankful for.

a pancake day.

my sister and I made two plates of pancakes for today's lunch. we had instant fried noodle for breakfast so since we ate lunch menu for breakfast already, we decided to ate breakfast menu for lunch. my pancake had cheese as the topping and her pancake had choco-cheese as the toppings. they were simply good.