Leaving everything behind, or being left behind?

Growing up is not easy at all.

I have met those pointless days, those disoriented feelings, those questions, those regrets, like all you want to do is clicking 'undo' on everything and getting back to the very start. Fixing things you know you should have not done.

I know I have been a total mess. I annoy people, even the people I love. But I personally think that this might be another big step we should take in our life. To leave everything behind and be a better one instead.

Oh, and the most special thing I would like to say to you is.

Don't lose someone who stays with you while you're growing up.

And here it comes again, the rollercoaster.

Before you start reading this post. I’m having a... trouble with my sleeping schedule. It’s 3.30 am here, I’m completely a mess with these black circles under my eyes, I feel like my head is gonna fly away whenever it wants now, I’m not in a good mood I can even say that I’m fucked up, over and over again, and I’ve never thought before that I’d ever make a honest writing just like the one you’ll read below. I might regret it later, but why not? :-)

“For the way you're something that I'd never choose,
but at the same time, something I don't wanna lose.”

I’ve just never been in this kind of story. It’s more complicated than I thought it would be. And the funny thing is, it’s also the sweetest page I’ve ever written in my life. I go up and down a lot than I’ve ever done. No, it’s actually not me who goes up and down, it’s actually the whole story. People keep talking about those things such as struggling, surviving, and so on. I just don’t know. I know that fighting, arguing, debating are so normal, but, should we really give everything up on them? We hold the story, don’t we? I put so much hope on this track. And I mean it.

“…a part-time lover, a full-time friend.”

I got a splash of hesitation, and it’s disturbing, seriously. I need to find out how to believe that differences will bring some more good things. Or, is it the ego, who has successfully created the bad parts on the story? We’re old enough not to play around with something like this anymore, aren’t we? I’d love to be your partner who’s always be there no matter how bad the situation is than to be a girl who you can always hang out and have fun with. I have to stop being anyone else, and so do you. Why don’t we just lay down and talk about everything, even the littlest thing?

And, for the record, did you know the thing that made me like you? It was the way you took everything easy. We lived so enjoyably. I’m sure we just need to relax a bit, trust me. This will work.

another letter to summer

Dear summer days,
Everything happens since you walked away. I lost almost everything at the end of your time but so far, everything’s still under control. I want to thank you for being so memorable each day, I love how you let the sun shine above my head or how you let the rain make my sneakers get dirty, I’m sorry if I kept complaining about my wet hair. I feel good, well, not as good as I felt when you were around but overall, I still have the reasons to smile and get crazy everyday. My friends are awesome, they’re super cool. I love how they make me laugh with those stupid jokes, they lift me up when I, again and again, fall into the under ground.

Dear summer days,
Another season has just come. It rains almost everyday, and I’d like to enjoy everyday just like how I enjoyed my time with you. I love having my quality time with some cups of coffee and feel the pouring rain above my rooftops. I’ve become more introvert yet extrovert at the same time. I feel enjoy when I’m alone, it’s such a right time to fly with my own thoughts, guess what, I think about everything. I know flashback is such a painful thing to do, but I love recalling the old memories. Yeah, most of them are ours. At least I know, I ever felt so alive once. Oh summer days, you were so real that I couldn’t help myself to make sure whether I was dreaming or not.

Dear summer days,
I’ve learnt a lot. I’ve never felt this brave before to take another step, to finally know that moving forward is the only choice left. I know now that forgetting won’t work at all, it’s forgiving actually. Sometimes I think you went too early, I did still have some pages to be written and colored but now I see, there’s still so much time with a lot of the other exciting things waiting somewhere I haven’t known.

Dear summer days,
Tom has finally found his Autumn after Summer walked away. You know what, sometimes I wonder if I could get mine too :p I do believe that somehow, someone must be there, someday, somewhere.

Thanks for giving me a lot of good times, see you next year :)

Life starts changing.

I’ve moved to Depok. And I’m facing something which is called adaptation. New life, new friends, new world…I hope it’s really the best time for them to come. I wish I were stronger, I’ve just been here for 3 days with all the activities and energy, and I’ve felt so tired already. Cemble banget mentalnya!!

Know what, first days aren’t easy. I do almost everything all by myself. Trying to get more and more friends, keep telling myself that I gotta be strong. Man, it’s just the beginning. I’ve told myself from the very first time, ‘I may be so much fine here, living a life that I’ve been waiting for quite a long time. But remember, when the pressure comes, I’ll come home and no one will greet me, sit next to me and ask how tiring my day has been. That will be the time when I start missing my home and my family to be around.’ I’m not that type who cries easily, and I’m not that far from home, but it’s quite hard not to cry every time my mom calls and says goodnight. And I love you too, Mom, I wish you were here.

So, I’ve got specialities on August this year, hectic days. They are impatiently waiting to be hit and I got no time left to play around. Pray for me guys!

p.s: I’m turning 18 on this Friday! and just like the other years who have gone by, I’m still sure that days get harder til the day you turn older. It’s like a pre-test, I think. Gifts are waited anyway ;)

God bless you all! Don’t give up, He’ll always strengthen you, He knows the way :)

tanpa judul

mungkin ini yang mereka bilang mati rasa. atau mungkin juga tidak.
atau mungkin, ini yang mereka bilang kebal. atau… mungkin juga tidak.

yang saya tahu dan saya rasakan, saya gagal. saya bertahan cukup lama dan saya gagal. bahkan bermacam-macam coklat pun tidak membantu, padahal setahu saya mereka adalah salah satu sahabat terbaik saya. salah satu penyembuh terbaik saya. sementara saya sendiri tidak tahu saya mengidap penyakit apa.

mungkin memang saya yang sudah salah dari awal. atau mungkin saja tidak.

saya pikir saya cukup kuat untuk menjadi batu, yang keras dan tak terbantahkan.
dan cukup meyakinkan untuk menjadi plastik, yang terlihat lemah namun tahan banting.

tapi saya salah.

It is life. From the eyes of a grown up.

Well I think, everyone has his/her opinion about life. Isn’t it the topic we’ve heard to be mostly talked about? Each day, everyone keeps making more and more theories about life.

I can’t describe how life has been so up and down these days. Okay, one word. Amazing. Yep, amazing. I kept complaining about the bad days I had, and forgot to be thankful when those bad days turned into good days. I got a question left in my head, have I wasted so much time? I was afraid I have.

I thought everything was so unfair. I was so rebellious. I know I’m playful enough as a teen but I don’t really like to be in a game, to be played. And life has played me that easily. Brought me up and down, one day it gave me lots of happiness and sent me a pack of miserable things on the next day. I was totally….labile. I can’t find a better word to explain how bad I was.

But suddenly I realise something. I won’t go on if I keep saving these negative thoughts, and blaming everything on life. I need those positive energies. And they have successfully helped me to see that….Life’s so colourful. And with those colours, we can see that life’s not that simple. Living a life is not as easy as choosing which part of the picture to be coloured in white and which part to be coloured in black. We still have a lot of crayons waiting to be used.

So, it really depends on you, how to face every little thing in your life. If you've decided from the very first minute you wake up that you’ll have a good day today, then you’ll have your good day. No matter how bad actually your day will be, you’ll still get some reasons to be thankful of, you’ve got another thing to be learnt today ;) It’s all about choices.

I try not to regret anything, like being one of those labile people, this is how a teenager lives a life anyway. We get older, but we’re still young. I can say now, I’m not wasting too much time, and so are you. Well, there may be a little time I’ve wasted, like having lots of hibernations and crying over the money I’ve spent uselessly, but isn’t it okay? I’m still growing up every single day, being amazed of every new thing I’ve seen, keeping on asking why instead of saying thanks God, and laziness is still one of the elements of life that I love the most. Haha, just…. let it be, let it be.

p.s: forgive me if you don’t agree with my words above. It’s just my point of view, anyway. And someday, it might change, I’m surely sure about that. Well who knows?

Camouflage

I might have been wrong.

I tried to write the story without knowing every single word had actually been written long before I decided to start writing. This is when the word ‘much’ is lessened, and ‘long’ is shortened. I can’t keep going on. I had dreamt about everything I’d do from the very beginning. Sadly, none has happened. Call it hopeless. What I’m doing now is, trying how to go thru a day by avoiding the unexpected anger and disappointment. Problems. I keep telling myself that I’m not scared, I’m not weak. But is it normal if all of these have driven me upset? I’m sure I’ve got a wrong scene, and I can’t get out. I need to breathe, to laugh loudly, to clear everything. So what? Oh please, it’s not just a wink, it’s been pages, if  I may say. You know we don’t have to cry to show the people how fragile we have been. I’m totally stuck, help.

tell me what I should do, I don’t wanna let it go. I can’t let it go.

Do not mind it, it’s just another random thought.

I hate how I’ve lost my ability to write such a long post these days. And I blame it on twitter with its 140 characters anyway. Haha, I’ve become super talky on twitter, thought how to tell what I want to write as shortly as possible there, and planned to share the rest on blogspot but here I come, run out of words.

Have you ever felt like you’ve been fighting hardly for something, working something out all alone while actually you don’t have to do that way, and after all you’ve done, you’re left realising that you’re not failed. I mean here, you’re not just failed, but everything you’ve done has just become useless. Have you ever felt that?

It’s like being a racer on a rally race, and you’re having your co driver next to you but he’s not even helping you at all. Everything turns to be so dysfunctional. You’re there, together, but you’re not working together to get the way out, trying not to mind everything, while the only thing you both need is a way out.

Learn something. You don’t have to complicate it if you don’t want to, but you can’t always simplify everything. Do not say ‘just forget it and let it go.’ It doesn’t even make any sense, man, you’ve to solve it first before you let it go, as long as it’s still possibly solved. It’s about choosing a choice, if you let it go, trust me, someday you’ll just make the same mistake and you’ll end up wondering how you could go to the same hell twice. That’s why I say, you always have to learn something, pick something, you may not get what you want but at least, you get something to learn.

Don’t let your ego rule everything. Don’t let your ego ruin everything.

Thank you for reading.

I'm not a girl, not yet a woman. Labile.

No offense. I don’t have any guts to talk as a woman. Women in my eyes are so….mature. They hold everything in their hands, even the whole world. They know what the good is, and what the bad is. They cry in the right time, and lay their heads back down to hold the tears when they know they don't have to cry.
I'm still the same girl that people have known since long time ago. I may be a few years older than I was but I'm not so sure that I've grown up that much. If I may say a thing, it may be the rightest age to be so labile. Laugh, cry, and get mad. I don't give any fuckin care to what people say, and I'll be so disappointed when I get nowhere to run. While in fact, all I have to do is just staying. Running just makes me get lost.
So,
I try to stay.
I try to forgive a lot.
I try to be much more understanding about people.
I try.
Lately, silence has always been my choice. Trying to shut my big mouth up instead of complaining. Trying not to mind unimportant things, trying to get the point on a better way. I do not realise this is just taking me deeper to the dramas. Truths look so ugly while lies become so much prettier. The good thing is, I've become more sensitive to know how people use their masks properly. Doesn't mean I'm none of them, even being one of them has made me fully understand why we, people, need the masks. Simple, to hold on. We let the others see that we're stronger when we know we've never been this fragile before. I look as if I need the silence while having the music still on is the thing I mostly need. But...this is how it is. Since we all know, we rule the world, but life has already written its own rules, called fate. And this is what we all have to face, to keep holding on. And to grow up to be a woman.

2010 is really.....unexplainable.

If you're surely living this life, you should always be ready to be up and down.

It's quite confusing how we could have a super flat day yesterday and have a lot of surprises today. I'm having 3 months off of almost everything, especially school. Don't call it holiday, I'm not even having fun. The fact is, I'm wasting so much time by looking for something fun and the result is I've got no money left. Stupid? Yes.
Those months I worked hard for what I've got now, and these months I'm afraid I'll die just because I've got nothing to do almost everyday.
Thousands plans, nothing's done. But to stay alive, we'll always have to be thankful for everything.

People

It's just like the other nights when I'm stuck on this boring thingy and I get nothing to do.
I'm in the mood of writing but..... I've got no words in my mind. All the things have just come in and out and whatsoever.

I'm getting older and experienced enough in seeing how people live their life.

People change, have you known it?
People change, do they really have to choose it?
Is it even a choice? How if I say that it is really a fate?
People change, so why do we keep on pretending like everything is going well as the time goes by?

And it's all gonna end up, depends on those who stay and those who walk away.
Oh buddy, world goes round. And devils are everywhere.

Well, there's no going back. Keep those things you've held in your hands now, enjoy the atmosphere you've got now.

Great Escape

"Keep moving forward. I'm not saying you may not look back, no, because you always have to learn something from your mistakes. Try to put it on the second primary thing in your life, find another business. Live your life, smile, don't cry. Then you'll realise, you have put it on the bottom of your list, which is not able to be seen anymore, you don't even have to look after it. You'll totally get over it and live it slowly, you'll be amazed of how cool it is, you're still alive, and happy."

Quoted from a very late night call, months ago.
And you know what,I'm totally satisfied to know I've been great on doing this.
Thank you, and goodbye fever :)