(?)

 

I wish everything would be easier.

or at least I wish I were stronger.

Pressure.

10 pm here. Guess what, I should’ve been sleeping actually. I’ve just got an admirable package of bad fever, and homesick, yeah, as always. I’ve been so busy with the whole activities, and I still have a trouble with the adaptation. Good friends are everywhere, best friends are so uneasy to be found. Or is this the time? To be so individualist and be more introvert? I’m not that type, oh well, I need a ‘click’, and I miss mine. This is not what I used to be, getting knocked down so easily.

tanpa judul

mungkin ini yang mereka bilang mati rasa. atau mungkin juga tidak.
atau mungkin, ini yang mereka bilang kebal. atau… mungkin juga tidak.

yang saya tahu dan saya rasakan, saya gagal. saya bertahan cukup lama dan saya gagal. bahkan bermacam-macam coklat pun tidak membantu, padahal setahu saya mereka adalah salah satu sahabat terbaik saya. salah satu penyembuh terbaik saya. sementara saya sendiri tidak tahu saya mengidap penyakit apa.

mungkin memang saya yang sudah salah dari awal. atau mungkin saja tidak.

saya pikir saya cukup kuat untuk menjadi batu, yang keras dan tak terbantahkan.
dan cukup meyakinkan untuk menjadi plastik, yang terlihat lemah namun tahan banting.

tapi saya salah.

Camouflage

I might have been wrong.

I tried to write the story without knowing every single word had actually been written long before I decided to start writing. This is when the word ‘much’ is lessened, and ‘long’ is shortened. I can’t keep going on. I had dreamt about everything I’d do from the very beginning. Sadly, none has happened. Call it hopeless. What I’m doing now is, trying how to go thru a day by avoiding the unexpected anger and disappointment. Problems. I keep telling myself that I’m not scared, I’m not weak. But is it normal if all of these have driven me upset? I’m sure I’ve got a wrong scene, and I can’t get out. I need to breathe, to laugh loudly, to clear everything. So what? Oh please, it’s not just a wink, it’s been pages, if  I may say. You know we don’t have to cry to show the people how fragile we have been. I’m totally stuck, help.

tell me what I should do, I don’t wanna let it go. I can’t let it go.

Do not mind it, it’s just another random thought.

I hate how I’ve lost my ability to write such a long post these days. And I blame it on twitter with its 140 characters anyway. Haha, I’ve become super talky on twitter, thought how to tell what I want to write as shortly as possible there, and planned to share the rest on blogspot but here I come, run out of words.

Have you ever felt like you’ve been fighting hardly for something, working something out all alone while actually you don’t have to do that way, and after all you’ve done, you’re left realising that you’re not failed. I mean here, you’re not just failed, but everything you’ve done has just become useless. Have you ever felt that?

It’s like being a racer on a rally race, and you’re having your co driver next to you but he’s not even helping you at all. Everything turns to be so dysfunctional. You’re there, together, but you’re not working together to get the way out, trying not to mind everything, while the only thing you both need is a way out.

Learn something. You don’t have to complicate it if you don’t want to, but you can’t always simplify everything. Do not say ‘just forget it and let it go.’ It doesn’t even make any sense, man, you’ve to solve it first before you let it go, as long as it’s still possibly solved. It’s about choosing a choice, if you let it go, trust me, someday you’ll just make the same mistake and you’ll end up wondering how you could go to the same hell twice. That’s why I say, you always have to learn something, pick something, you may not get what you want but at least, you get something to learn.

Don’t let your ego rule everything. Don’t let your ego ruin everything.

Thank you for reading.

I should learn to be more thankful.

Before you read this, I wanna say something, I'm not complaining. I just need to share them.

• I had a bad week.
• Well, family problem is still pushing me down. But I do believe our love will strengthen us.
• Fucking unplanned holiday -__- I worked hard for this I know, I wanted this.
• School Administration Office really pisses me off.
• My finance's condition. Totally unstable and gets worse each day. Who can live without money anyway?
• Jakarta's weather. Super hot today and heavy rain for tomorrow.
• I'm tanned enough, PLEASE.
• I thought my sleep schedule had come back. Actually it's a big no. My whole body system has really been fucked up, I think.
• I miss Immanuel. haha. And I hate knowing that I'm not gonna meet him (again) this week. But it's okay on me.
• I've been having a continually headache. I don't know why, it's back.
• I get lack of ideas to write. Help.

I stop here. Now I know I'm complaining. Sorry. I should learn to be more thankful.

I'm not a girl, not yet a woman. Labile.

No offense. I don’t have any guts to talk as a woman. Women in my eyes are so….mature. They hold everything in their hands, even the whole world. They know what the good is, and what the bad is. They cry in the right time, and lay their heads back down to hold the tears when they know they don't have to cry.
I'm still the same girl that people have known since long time ago. I may be a few years older than I was but I'm not so sure that I've grown up that much. If I may say a thing, it may be the rightest age to be so labile. Laugh, cry, and get mad. I don't give any fuckin care to what people say, and I'll be so disappointed when I get nowhere to run. While in fact, all I have to do is just staying. Running just makes me get lost.
So,
I try to stay.
I try to forgive a lot.
I try to be much more understanding about people.
I try.
Lately, silence has always been my choice. Trying to shut my big mouth up instead of complaining. Trying not to mind unimportant things, trying to get the point on a better way. I do not realise this is just taking me deeper to the dramas. Truths look so ugly while lies become so much prettier. The good thing is, I've become more sensitive to know how people use their masks properly. Doesn't mean I'm none of them, even being one of them has made me fully understand why we, people, need the masks. Simple, to hold on. We let the others see that we're stronger when we know we've never been this fragile before. I look as if I need the silence while having the music still on is the thing I mostly need. But...this is how it is. Since we all know, we rule the world, but life has already written its own rules, called fate. And this is what we all have to face, to keep holding on. And to grow up to be a woman.

People

It's just like the other nights when I'm stuck on this boring thingy and I get nothing to do.
I'm in the mood of writing but..... I've got no words in my mind. All the things have just come in and out and whatsoever.

I'm getting older and experienced enough in seeing how people live their life.

People change, have you known it?
People change, do they really have to choose it?
Is it even a choice? How if I say that it is really a fate?
People change, so why do we keep on pretending like everything is going well as the time goes by?

And it's all gonna end up, depends on those who stay and those who walk away.
Oh buddy, world goes round. And devils are everywhere.

Well, there's no going back. Keep those things you've held in your hands now, enjoy the atmosphere you've got now.

191109. Thursday

hanya sejenak, aku mengingat
haruskah aku bernafas
aku ingat, dulu aku takut
hilang adalah bagian hidup
kemana aku melangkah?

aku melayang-layang
itu aku
ini rohku
jiwaku yang dulu, akankah kembali?
siapa senang, siapa sedih
mengapa dunia begini curang
berputar dan tertawa,
kenalkah ia akan tangis?

H-3 Hol(Y)days

tsk tsk tsk why does the last week have to be the hardest week?

I have 2 (two) Biology tests this week, gosh TWO.
And maybe one more Physics test on Thursday, duh
ah who cares? holiday is coming around it's getting closer closer and closer, why can't we make it easier? It's September already and I'm still trying to live a senior life, haa hischool time is almost over so have you been ready to say goodbye?

Ini Baru Hidup.

Hidup untuk menyanyi,
Hidup untuk menulis,
Hidup untuk depan dan belakang layar,
Hidup untuk berperan,
topeng dan panggung.
I wish.
:(

Change

While something ends, something begins on the other hand.

Ternyata jadi anak kelas 3 itu bener-bener nyita waktu ya, buat update aja susah. Ngomong-ngomong besok gue try out inten terus gue bener-bener belom persiapan sama sekali, malah rencana jalan-jalan sama Dito. Stres.

Anyway, something has changed. Something's over. I don't know where to start.........
Intinya, semua kembali ke sedia kala, kembali ke sebagaimana harusnya. Pertamanya gue marah banget, marah banget pas tau. Tapi setelah ngomong panjang lebar semalem dari bentak-bentakan sampe sedih-sedihan sampe biasa lagi sampe gue yang tadinya ngantuk jadi seger sampe jam 4 pagi, we know we both okay. Nope ini bukan tentang si jerapah kok, tentang persahabatan. Caelahhh persahabatan, petualangan sherina kali. Sayangnya gue nggak bisa mention disini. We ended the story but we also wrote a new title, as the beginning, friendship is all we need.

Tapi gue masih sedih loh. Jujur deh. Yah mau gimanapun....

Yaudahlah. Semua masih sama, yang beda cuma... keadaannya.

Nggak ngerti ya? Gue juga enggak.

Poem, Ironic

Grrrk asli tugas liburan banyak banget, mana gue disuruh bikin karangan hukuman gara-gara nggak masuk hari Jumat pas acara Isra Mir'aj di sklh sama hari Senin upacara kemerdekaan gyeheheh I'm so sorrry dear Indonesia, I didn't come, didn't mean I had lost my nasionalism! Nooo I still have it a lot :) Terus ceritanya gue disuruh bikin puisi gitu bahasa Indonesia. Hahaha ngaco abis, gue buat sambil ngobrol sama Vavain hwekekek nih gue copy kesini ya haha tapi jangan ketawa wahai saudara-saudara!

IRONIS

Tergantung tinggi, melayang di atas awan
Geli canda merpati putih, mengiringi
Riang, rona merah apel terukir dan, cantik

Tertawa
Lalu memudar

Mengumbar senyum yang kini terpaksa
Pucat dan basah oleh air mata
Tak kunjung mengering, lembab
Hidup hambar dan rapuh

Jangan lagi tertawa
Jangan lagi berkata apa-apa
Biar semuanya, waktu menghabisi kebahagiaanku
Energiku. Kehidupanku.

Tersandung, dan jatuh
Selamat tinggal langit, ini aku si makhluk darat
Sekarang.
Mungkin Tuhan tahu, takdirku di bumi
Penghindaranku sia sudah

Ironis, tapi toh aku masih hidup
Kalau saja mimpi itu nyata,
Aku ingin sekali meloncat-loncat layaknya masa lalu

***

Say something, insipred by true life, Ren? Hmm. Yah, maybe.

You know?

I used to do my best.
No one did care then I'd take my turn
All for you, all for each of you
Then when my time had come
It was not like I had expected,
happy, but that's all.
And now I'm on my way,
trying to make it look special for me
I don't think it'll work
Years will walk away, but all know
It happens only once in a lifetime.
I was not excited, so
dissapointed?
Yes.
But anyway, thanks.

Replica?

Cool.
Smile.
Eyes.
Chin.
Sit down,
Whether stand up.
Skinny.
Laugh.
Sweaters.
Schoolbag.
Aroma.
Walk.
Freak.
Dark.
Haircut.

Hmm, almost of all are in the same way.
Bet me, you'll say it on the first look.