human

we are afraid of what we feel, of what might hurt us. the cold nights; the black clouds on the sky while we don't have any umbrella on our hands; the sad faces that might bring the bad news; the silence that suddenly comes after the joy we've just shared; the mistakes we don't realize; the high pitch shouts; the ground we see while we're flying high; the thoughts of the world outside....

and we are even more afraid that we've felt too much and we have nothing left to feel.

There's always something to do at Christmas.

Waiting for christmas day is the most exciting thing to do every year. The ups and downs that keep coming even on my favorite time of the year like these days do not stop me from wanting the christmas day to come even more. I have nothing special to prepare or wait, though, the day itself has always been special for me. And the preparations, they can't be more exciting than this. These days, I have even forgotten all the stuffs on my list, even my final assignments.

Since my sister has moved to Bandung and rarely goes home (she is really the busiest freshman girl I've ever seen), I replace her role to be mom's company on preparing our christmas stuffs this year. And it is exciting. We've been decorating the house since November 29th, decorating the tree, going to the malls to find something new for mom's christmas collection, hunting the christmas gifts, baking the christmas cookies, and, of course, buying and adding more and more christmas cds to daddy's collection. Joyful christmas songs are filling our house almost every day.

Routines are really hard to do these days and dealing with finals really brings my mood down sometimes. Sometimes I wish we had a long winter holiday here so I can just spend all my time enjoying these moments.

And yes, the guy next to me has been a busy man now. But, another yes, he's still really good at doing his job as my partner in crime. Please do not mind the big noses, this is just one of the best poses we can do.

Hope you all have a joyful moment as well, have yourself a merry little christmas!
xx

I might be so mad at you right now

but what hurts you, hurts me too.

another entire year.

Because you've always been there.

when the spring flowers bloomed on those famous London parks,
here I got my so-so holiday and you cheered me up.
you did your best and graduated from college, making me proud.

when the sun stroke high in summer,
we also got the longest and hottest season of the year, which caused some breakdowns but we promised to keep holding on
my birthday came and you were still there, singing the fabulous happy birthday song and capturing photos of me blowing the candles

while the Americans were picking the fallen leaves from the trees by autumn,
we laid down side by side laughing over the list of our American dreams.
and once again this so called life surprised us, your wish got answered and our free days were twisted, so we gladly welcomed back the busy days.

and even when the cold winter night already starts to haunt the cold world,
you are still the one I'd want to hug every time the pouring rain starts to dance outside my window,
and you're still there hanging on the phone line every single day, wishing me luck to go through another day.

Thank you. For another entire year, you've always been there.
Happy 2nd anniversary, Lavly Kawengian. I love you.

None of us is a fortune teller.

I don't mean to be overreacting, I just never got any lyrics of any song which can meaningfully express how your life has been, or how you really feel, lately. This one... is literally true. I mean it.

I'm not a fortune teller
I won't be bringing news of what tomorrow brings
I'll leave that up to you
I'm not a fortune teller
Don't have a crystal ball
I can't predict the future
Can't see nothing at all

It doesn't mean I'm afraid
Of all the things that you say
But I just think we should stay
Stuck in the moment today
And as the seasons roll by
No matter how hard I try
Summer will end and the leaves will turn again

I don't know why you're acting like this
I don't know why you had to do it again
Why'd you have to go and ruin the night?
Don't worry about tomorrow's mess

I'll never know
How the future will go
I don't know what to tell you,
I'm not a fortune teller
I'll never change,
But I want you to stay
I don't know what to tell you,
I'm not a fortune teller

I don't like watching TV
I don't know what it all means
And your american dream,
Baby, it just isn't me
I know that what I'm thinking
May not be on your mind
I know the song I'm singing
Is not your favorite kind

It doesn't mean I'm afraid
Of all the things that you say
But I just think we should stay
Stuck in the moment today
And as the seasons roll by
No matter how hard I try
Summer will end and the leaves will turn again

I don't know why you're acting like this
I don't know why you had to do it again
Why'd you have to go and ruin the night?
Don't worry about tomorrow's mess

I'll never know
How the future will go
I don't know what to tell you,
I'm not a fortune teller
I'll never change,
But I want you to stay
I don't know what to tell you,
I'm not a fortune teller

This feeling keeps growing,
These rivers keep flowing.
How can I have answers when you drown me in questions?

I'll never know
How the future will go
I don't know what to tell you,
I'm not a fortune teller
I'll never change,
But I want you to stay
I don't know what to tell you,
I'm not a fortune teller

and just like that... this upbeat song gives another hit on me, much more than the ballad ones. again.

and the journey still continues.

A friend of mine once said,

"What really matters in a relationship is not how long it lasts and where it ends, but the whole process you are both going through, since the very beginning, now, tomorrow, and so on, and how this process affects you to be someone else, better or worse."

I'm good, I feel good.

I can't tell whether this relationship has brought me into a better person or not, well, I am not there yet, I just feel good.

This, this whole thing, really takes time. Days. Nights. Weeks. Months. Years.

To know you better, to know me better, to realize that I was not as good as I thought, to realize that we were not as perfect as we (or especially, I) thought.

I feel good.

Through a lot of smile, pain, laughter, and tears, there's always another chance to feel, and know, something new. New lessons, new mistakes, new point of view, new conclusion, new habits, new favorites, and so on, and so on, and so on, each day.

They bring me closer to you, and it feels good.

I know I can't wish for things to stay the same forever anymore. There will always be something different, to talk about, to fight about. It's just, as long as you are with me on this, I'll take every chance. You make me feel good.