still.

Forgive me, Father.
For hesitating, still, whether I have taken the right path since the day I decided not to risk anything at all.
Please do forgive me.

hmm.

time must be joking. this page has been left unwritten for the last 8 months, and now we all are very close to the end of the year, which I just started with a goodbye to the last year in a few post below.

she and him

(Love & Misadventures by Lang Leav)

101

i like him everyday.
there are seven days in a week and seeing how he gets by from one day to another is really enjoyable, i cannot hold myself to spare in details:
on weekdays, his routines are spent the most at work. he has that kind of work that requires not only brain but also passion and hard-work, and i appreciate how he puts his effort on his work. despite his hectic days, he knows how to manage his easy-going personality in front of people, and this answers why people love being around him. he looks quiet but he is actually great at cracking jokes, i sometimes wonder how he can create one funny response so quickly. he is really good at being a calm person, though i know there are bunch of thoughts running in his mind because he tells me so. sometimes it drives me mad, how he thinks over everything, but then i realize, that is just his own way of seeing the details of things or how he just cares about everything, and he suddenly looks kind of smart and sweet at the same time. he rarely complaints compared to the number of tiring days he has to get through, but i can see how exhausted he feels at the end of the day because when he sleeps, he looks just like a newborn baby, very safe and sound.
as much as i like him on weekdays, i like him more and more on weekends. he is very much relaxed on weekends sometimes i feel a bit envious. he knows how to enjoy every minute on weekends and puts aside all the disturbing thoughts he likely gets on weekdays. i also like the way he casually dresses up on weekends, the way he styles himself sometimes reminds me of how so many years have gone by; he still has that thing in him that i always saw when he was a teenage boy, yet i can also see how he has matured so much. he is a very nice company to have when i am in the mood to explore every corner in the city, to see things and of course, to taste foods! he is able to eat everything i am afraid he would explode someday. he has a good and unique taste in music, he knows almost every song but is confused why people seem not to know any of the songs he loves. i realize i always laugh more nowadays, and he plays a good role to have this effect on me. the point of all this, i like him everyday because he seems happy. i am really glad and relieved to know that he is happy. 

:)

(unidentified)

who are you now?
are you something more than you were before?

are you warmer in the rain,
are you stronger for my touch?
am i giving too little by my loving you too much...?

how is the view, sunny and green?
how do you compare it to the views you've seen?
i know, i am
better,
braver,
and surer, too...
but you....?
are you now?
who are you now?
are you someone better
for my life?

(funny girl, broadway, by barbra streisand, 1964)

february

to love
and to be loved.

Thank you, to the year full of chances and surprises.

It is almost two weeks after new year and I know it is kind of late to say this, but I need to thank 2014 for being one amazing roller-coaster which drove me to both the highest highs and the lowest lows–for every chance given to taste the new experience which also widened my knowledge, for all the joyful times shared with my family and friends, for each solitude moment I got to spend with my own self, even for the dark days which taught me really well of how to keep holding on my faith. I am deeply grateful.

"To new beginnings,

in fear and faith

and all it tinges.

To love is a dare,

when hope and despair,

are gates upon it hinges."

– "A Toast!" (Lang Leav)

Happy glorious new year, be happy. :-)

You are

–always on my mind
right in the middle of a constant battle
between my logic and my bad wounded heart

The art of getting by.

You.

I know you are struggling. I know how burdened you are to survive these days. Surviving, struggling. Hard. You are in so much pain I can see it clearly in your eyes. I can see how you get lost in the track of time, how each spot where your feet stand sometimes confuses you, how you keep wondering why the days go by in this pitiful state of living. 

But, trust me, the pain is good. The pain is really good that it depresses you, comforts you with an endless flood of sadness, drains your eyes, scares you about the future and the next big things, and leaves you with the only option: to keep going–to keep writing because there are too many thoughts screaming inside your beautiful mind, to keep seeing and realizing details because keeping your eyes closed just makes everything worse, to keep dancing because it really helps to free your mind, to keep walking because taking a break will only give you a time to think which is really, really, disturbing. The pain is good, it makes you unstoppable. 

Once again, the pain itself, is, good. It forces you to keep going no matter what, you keep going despite the unknown things you will have to face ahead (everything is faceless anyway in this level of despair), you keep going without knowing that you have just made it to another checkpoint in your life: a refreshing, good restart. 

In this whole process, you might be learning the hard way to appreciate every little thing that draws a smile in your face, that touches your heart, that brings happy tears in your eyes. I hate to say that what you are losing now will never, ever, be replaced, but hopefully this big hole will be filled with sweeter things one day because at this very moment, there are a mount of good, even better, things waiting for you at the end of this line. 

So, take your time, be brave and deal with it, because it is good.

The pain is really good that someday at the future you are going to laugh on this.

You will get back to this page, reminiscing the old times and stories of being young, and you will laugh on this. 

Monstrous

It is when we think that the pain is over
when we realize that the pain has only been sleeping and hiding
so peacefully
like a mad monster having its rest
after taking up so much energy for ruining the heart

and now it is back to life,
awaken and growling
burning like a fire
so ready to dig an even deeper hole inside.

Justice

After all those months of battling, huge effort, excruciating pain, I finally come to conclusion that:

Love, is made for the strong. And in the midst of those strong, a few are lucky to remain forever.

Well, how can I wish we were strong enough while I think we already reach the peak of our strength and the only path we can go through is to go down and low?

So, no, I am surely not wishing we were stronger because after all that we have been through, I am proudly awarding you as my hero already, so that the whole world would know, how standing against us only makes us stronger and tougher.

But my love,

oh, my love,

our strength and toughness will not help us any longer

because in this very moment,

you can not imagine how I really wish we were not that strong, nor that tough, but just lucky enough to be infinite.

Insurance

Neither you nor I can guarantee that I am going to be happier.

My despair is holding on to itself even stronger than we think it ever would, the idea of being happy itself has long gone.  

In the mean time, I do not own anything worthy in me to heal your wound either. 

I just know how to deal with it.

I can only promise nothing, but I can assure you that the vision of us together will help things to get better, at least. 

Hi. What's up?

Cheers to a new beginning.

Yes. Three and a half years after posting it here on this blog, I have finally graduated.

It seems like it was just yesterday. :)

The circle of life is rolling again.

We get totally busier than we've ever been these days. I meet him almost every day now, get to see my favorite face almost every morning, get so much time to talk to each other in person that the phone calls we used to have are no longer on the top of our daily routine's list, yet I still feel as if there's something missing in it.

The circle of life is finally rolling again, taking us to another page of life, and giving us new roles to live. All those old routines are now inside a box marked 'The Things We Used To Do'; the day offs, the long night calls, the DVD sessions on the late evenings, the cuddling hours,.... Do I miss them? Yes. I do. We hardly find any chance to do what we used to do these days. In fact, these crazy days teach me to appreciate every single time I get to spend with him without having to worry about the traffic jams, the day to day's tasks, the fluctuating mood after a bad day...

I wonder how many times the circle of life has rolled since the first time I met you. Whoa, I was so young back then. Well, neither you nor I know what happens next, but so far, I'm happy doing this with you. Yes, I do miss those old routine a lot, but I'm glad you're the one whom I've been moving forward with. Stay close, we still have so much to do together, I guess. :)

Nah, I'm not a scientist.

I sometimes wonder what a wonderful creature human is to be gifted such a brain. That thing in our heads that tells us what to do, the central operating system of every move that our bodies make and of every thought that our minds create. And with the size that is not even bigger than our heads, this small thing is wonderfully able to keep a lot of things. Knowledge we get from school, list of to-dos we make every morning, lyrics of our favorite songs, quotes we read in our books, and even memories.

Don't you feel weird about this thing called memory and how powerful it becomes? Sometimes on your exam, you ought to add only one more line that you read on the last night before to complete your answer but you can't help to remember any word of it. Yet when you listen to a song, re-watch a movie you've watched before, visit a place you've gone before, then all of a sudden this brain is able to bring back, not only a line of a passage you need to remember, but also a lot of things that you wish you had forgotten?

Yes, it can be that powerful, that easily. You do not even need to be the brightest in your class to bring these things back to your mind. Even feelings. Feelings. Does it have anything to do with our hearts then? I guess so. Again, this small thing which I usually believe as the strongest thing inside our bodies where we bury all the pain and the happiness of every moment in our lives, that sometimes we think it has had enough already but it actually hasn't. Even after holding so much emotions, it still beats.

This connection between this two thing inside our heads and this thing inside our chests somehow brings me to another question. Is it possible that; the deeper you bury the feelings inside your heart, the longer the memory will stay and live there that even time after time, this memory gets smarter to find an easier way each time it gets transferred to your brain? Since even after a few years pass by, it is even easier to do the recalling. You thought, as the time went by, you would forget it all, but you don't. That's sick, isn't it? You start forgetting the exact story line, the face, the words you hear, but not the emotions. You no longer need any song or scent to remind you, the memory itself will come to you and bring the emotions back all over again. The sadness, the anger, the pleasure, the overwhelming feeling of loving and being loved, you name it. And it happens a lot, regularly, that you start to think of it as a syndrome, you know when and how it will happen and affect you. It no longer breaks your heart, but it stays there and grows like a monster inside you. And on those days it gets back to your mind, with no particularly good reason, you just feel strange, as if you stand exactly on the edge between sometime in the past and sometime in the present.

It is not that you lose the ability to look forward, but some memories just keep coming back no matter how far you have walked today. You wonder when it will be over but it won't be, since it has already taken a part in our lives. You think it's gone, but, honey, you might just have known how to deal with it and wash it away, so this syndrome no longer affects you as bad as it did before. It just stays there, inside our heads and our hearts, floating and sometimes popping in our mind. We do not even understand why they keep coming back, but well... some memories might just be so passionate with their job, that is why they work hard to be remembered.

Survival mode on a Monday morning.

Current time: 10 am, on a Monday morning.

I am now sitting alone in a corner of a coffee shop located in one of Jakarta's busiest business districts, sipping my green tea latte (since I already had my cup of coffee this morning), surrounded by morning meetings, business talks, people with their office wears. Gladly I brought my laptop along with me, so at least, I look as if I have something to do. 

This morning was.... one of a kind. That kind of morning that makes you just want to shout "Oh my, what-a-morning!" and kick something. I got up so much earlier to finish my task since I had spent my weekend going out of town, forced myself to get myself ready and took my morning train which was (always) really full with people that I was afraid it would explode. Half of my way, I got a message informing that the class was cancelled, and I was like..... Dammit, I knew it. But then, since I was supposed to go to the office this afternoon, I decided not to go home, so I got off on a train station, brought my two heavy bags with me, got nowhere to go, walked along until I decided to took a bus and finally ended up here. It is only 10 am and I feel so worn out already. My legs hurt, my shoulders feel so sore, but after all, who am I to complain? These things happen a lot in life. This kind of morning happens a lot in life.

My weekend was exhausting but great. That is what motivates me to stay positive and do my best to get through the rest of this day. 

PS. I just got a message that I do not need to go the office.

PPS. It's okay, I knew it. 

I should really listen to what my heart says next time. My head is too stoned. 

checkpoint: One Thousand.

Cheers to 1000 days of sweet and sour, thick and thin, rainbows and storms.

summer paradise.

I had a quick trip to Bali on last July with my sisters and brother. It was a last-minute-plan, but still, it was fun! It almost paid all the madness off that had even started since January. I finally got to see the beach that I had been craving for most of the time. Here are some of the snapshots of the trip:

Garuda Wisnu Kencana, Bali
(the last time I saw this was almost 7 years ago!)

Water Blow, Nusa Dua

Kuta Beach

My holiday bonus :-)

Yes, I did even get to spend half of the trip with him :) It was all unplanned, we had planned a lot of trip together before but never had any time to get those lists done.

Sanur Beach, Bali

Mount Batur, Kintamani, Bali

Pandawa Private Beach, Bali
(apparently it was a newly opened beach in Bali. This was the most beautiful (and quiet) beach I have found so far)

Uluwatu, the Kecak Dance and the sunset

So, yes, it was definitely one fun short-getaway. Going home was the saddest moment of the four-days-trip, I have already been wishing to get back as soon as I got home. I cannot even wait to plan another getaway!

Hope you all had a good summer time as well. :)

been there, done that.

they all say that 

"you do not know what you have until it's gone."

but then we all get into a different story where what they all say is

"everything takes time."

oh please, those sayings are everywhere on those books; self-motivating books, chicken-soups, romance novels, 1000-quotes-to-make-your-life-better kind of books. I know. at first, I feel quite sure that I get the idea of those things people say, until I get to know what it feels when those two things hit and give something to learn practically at the same time. 

some people live in those stories where they know that they have something really precious so they keep it well and when they lose it they know they have it enough and it is time to let go, some others live in those stories where they get bummed by the reality that they actually had something really precious just after they lose it, and some others live in those stories where they have something but they think they deserve something better so they just let it go, move on to another story where they think it fits them better, and so things happen, and years later, when things start to fall not into the right place, they finally learn that what they once had and took totally for granted was really precious. that after things take their time, they finally know what they once had.

I lived in those glorious three years where I thought it was easy to say that those were the best three years of my life, so when they ended, I did not only lose those years but I lost me. I moved to another three years and took everything for granted. I had a really happy friendship-for-life but I gave it up, I had so much good time but I wasted it all, life was so nice to me but I made it hard. and now I have been living in, again, another three years, where almost all things happen differently so I have something to compare, where I finally know that I was really wrong not to appreciate every little thing that happened. 

it is too short to divide the phases of life to every three effing years, I know, but who knows if this three-years-phase will multiply later. six years, nine years for every phase... well who knows. as much as I know, if it is going to be another-three-years-phase, then I only have a little time left before it comes to an end. so, I guess I gotta go... I have a lot of little things waiting to be thankful for, a long list of good old pieces which were unknowingly missing waiting to be recollected, and a big box of chances waiting to be found.

"......I know I can't, cause now I see,

 I'll never stop this train."